“We’ll try again.”
Why did those words make me take the first deep breath? I hated that they brought me comfort. I didn’t want anyone else. I wanted my son. I wanted him alive, I wanted that connection. That feeling that the whole universe and all its secrets resided in me.
“I’ll hold you tightly, I’ll give you nothing but truth
If you’re not inside me, I’ll put my future in you”Ed Sheeran
But they did bring me comfort. Comfort that didn’t ease pain but encouraged hope. Hope that wasn’t bright and shining like what we all want in deep darkness. But hope that burned on soft embers in the deepest basement of my soul. I couldn’t use it yet, but it was there. Tucked away.
The days that followed were mostly a blur. Except that last night. That last night before a surgeon would take my baby boy’s body from mine. I rested hands on my belly. It had felt so natural days before and now it felt like a hollow gesture. Joe cradled me. We both needed strength. Neither of us had any to give. We poured perpetually into each other from our empty cups.
“This is too much.”
When I thought the pain couldn’t be worse, it did. He uttered those 4 words so bitterly. Then suddenly I was feeling my pain and my love’s pain too. I wanted to scream but feared the cries would swallow me and the whole world with it and still be unsatisfied. The cry, the roar, wanted blood and would accept nothing less. The roar needed someone to blame So I folded my heart over and over again to contain the rage. Each fold tighter than the previous until my heart was completely smothered, safely tucked in and breathless.
“And you can lie with me
With your tiny feet
When you’re half asleep
I’ll leave you be
Right in front of me
For a couple weeks
So I can keep you safeEd Sheeran
In that smothering I was drowning. Physically drowning in the air.
Laying and waiting. Surgery was delayed. Delayed again. And again.
More time to think isn’t what you want when you’re drowning. But what I never expected was what came next. We had announced our pregnancy within days of finding out. And just as people all over the world rejoiced with us, people all over the world mourned, pitied, and consoled us. I regretted telling anyone when we found out the loss because then I needed to bring completely different news to the world. And the expected flood of messages from everyone, including complete strangers overwhelmed me. I regretted them knowing with every award e-mail and sympathy card, until I was laying in that hospital bed. I was startled by the feeling the touches… I felt like there were countless hands gently touching my body, holding me above the waves of grief that wanted to swallow me up beneath me. I kept looking over my body for the mysterious hands I worried at first I was going crazy to top it all off. But I know it was all the prayers from all over the world.
Probably mostly the prayers of my mother and mother-in-love. They had lost their own babies and their strength guarded me most of all, especially in their steadiness. Even though this baby was both of their first grand-child, who held all the hope for the future, they didn’t once allow their grief to wash over mine. I know that there must have been countless times that they cried into pillows and behind closed doors. But they allowed so gently and beautifully for our grief to be ours, they outpoured love over us.
And that above all is what anyone who is lost in the unbearable weights of this world needs, love.
“And you’ll be alright”Ed Sheeran
Part 1: I Just Haven’t Met You Yet https://voicesofeve.net/i-just-havent-met-you-yet/
Part 2: The Storm Is Coming https://voicesofeve.net/All-that-i-know-Is-Im-breathing
Part 4: I Tried So Very Hard Not To Lose It https://voicesofeve.net/part-4-i-tried-so-very-hard-not-to-lose-it/
Part 5: Worth It All https://voicesofeve.net/youll-be-alright/
Check out Ed Sheeran’s song “Small Bump”!
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