I wanted girls of course! To play warrior princesses, have tea parties, and play dress up with. To watch them become brides. To see them rest their hands on their own growing bellies.I wanted it all. I craved it… like honey.
People asked me, like they did any other child, what I wanted to be when I grew up. I lied. I said a teacher, an artist, a singer, maybe even all three. But those weren’t true. I knew that the world wanted me to want a career, to crave it like honey. I also knew that I had no husband… yet, so I needed to be able to provide for myself. But honestly I didn’t want anything more than to be a mother. As I laid in bed at night in the quiet I would rest my hands on my belly imagining life blooming inside me. I’d cradle imaginary babies in my arms and whisper sweet everythings in their ears.
I was sure I wasn’t pregnant. We had only been trying for two weeks. It was impossible I was wasting $12.49 just to ease my mind. I set a timer on my phone and refused to look at the test until the timer went off. I told myself I would not watch the seconds pass. So, I stared at the 70’s style sink cabinet instead. Then to the hole in my pj’s. Then to the mint green carpet. Then I looked at the phone. Ten seconds had passed. I took a deep breath. It’s ok, it’s negative, and that’s ok. We are so young and have so much time. I said these things over and over waiting for that timer to go off.
No blue line for this girl. I needed assurance, and there it was a digital read out saying what I was sure wasn’t possible.
I thought my heart would leap out of my chest. I paced the floor in the bathroom to try to keep from screaming. It was the Saturday before Father’s Day, and everyone in the house was asleep. including…. daddy. I marveled in that moment that he was a father. My husband. My love. He was sleeping and had no idea that his role in our lives had shifted. I made him pancakes. I woke him up. He was groggy but I couldn’t wait.
“We did it.”
I took a picture of the test with my phone. I would post it after we’d told our loved ones. I didn’t know in that moment I would have to take that picture down in less than a year because of someone’s joyous comment… because they hadn’t heard.
I threw myself into pregnancy. I had wanted it my whole life and I decided I was going to be the best at it. I balanced each meal perfectly. I stopped eating food from plastic containers. Staying active. Singing songs to him. him. my son. I could feel it in my bones that he was my son.
“And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility”-Micheal Bublé
I added the Michael Buble song to my pregnancy/labor/birth playlist on spotify. I was falling in love with my baby. running headlong and joyfully into holding that baby. I was full of confidence there was no room for fear.
“And I know someday that it’ll all turn out
You’ll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid, that I’ll give so much more than I get
I just haven’t met you yet.”-Micheal Bublé
And I meant it. I meant that I would be the perfect mother (I know better now). I meant that I would give all of me. Every ounce of my existence now belonged to my baby. The baby I had prayed for, hoped for…. would be perfect.
I know now how imperfect perfection can be.
Part 2: The Storm Is Coming https://voicesofeve.net/the-storm-is-coming/
Part 3: You’ll Be Alright https://voicesofeve.net/youll-be-alright/
Part 4: I Tried So Very Hard Not To Lose It https://voicesofeve.net/part-4-i-tried-so-very-hard-not-to-lose-it/
Part 5: Worth It All https://voicesofeve.net/youll-be-alright/
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Michael Bublè’s Song: I Just Haven’t Met You Yet https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBpvsSeBh54