We named him Noah. Joe said that God called Noah from the Bible to leave everyone and everything he knew to embark on an incredible journey, and it would be hard, and painful, but it’s what the world needed. And that’s what God called our son to as well.
3 days after the surgery we had been scheduled to lead worship at a small church. We decided to keep this engagement because we weren’t going to let Satan take anything from us. We refused to let him have any small victory in this trial.
“I’m desperate in seeking, I’m frantic believing, that the sight of your face, is all that I need.”Rita Springer
As I walked through the doors of that church the first thing I saw was the alter where Joe and I had prayed a few months ago for God to give us the blessing of a child. It stung. It stung so much.
Then Joe did something amazing. He reached out to me and a whole church full of people with an older song that I had only recently learned from him called “Worth It All”.
“I don’t understand your ways, Oh, but I will give you my song.”Rita Springer
I wasn’t prepared for that first deep breath of relief. It waved over every cell of my body. I cried the deepest tears yet as my, Joe’s, and the congregation’s voices raised up to heaven. And for the first time I believed all I had been trying to tell myself ever since I saw that still ultrasound.
It took some time before that relief was a daily occurrence. I drifted in and out of numbness. I continued through daily activities on auto pilot. God reached out to me in the fog in tiny ways which were the only thing that made it possible to get up in the morning. The biggest blessing to me was that every minute of every day I had worship songs stuck in my head. And not in an annoying way. It was a heaven sent playlist in my head wherever I went.
“You hold on to all my pain, with it you are pulling me closer”Rita Springer
We left the baby crib up. Joe said that it would be our reminder of our son and all the babies that would follow. That we would try again. Some days it made me smile in hope, others I smothered my tears in baby blankets and stuffed animals. But the tears were just as much a beautiful part of my journey as the hope. I don’t regret or begrudge myself a single one. And even years later I still allow a tear or two for my beloved first born.
“I’m not looking for crowns, or the water from fountains”Rita Springer
I, like most people, have always referred to my first pregnancy as ending in miscarriage. And I still do audibly when retelling my story because any other term would require extra explanation, and I am not ready for that in my healing journey yet. But I have come to refer to my miscarriage as a birth in my heart and close family and friends. I do this because in my work I see that every birth is different, but they all result in a living or still baby. And I have been stealing from myself the joys of my first pregnancy. I have labeled it as short. Abrupt. Sad. But as a mother there is so much that I can have as empowering and joyful. I carried my baby with love and tenderness. I loved him for his whole life, and love him still. And my birth was not what anyone hopes for, but it doesn’t mean my baby was any less beautiful, or perfect.
I recently made coloring pages for different stages of pregnancy. I colored the 11 week one and for the first time I thought of how beautiful Noah was. I smiled and talked about him happily for the very first time. I got to count fingers and toes and stroked his head with my pencil.
Every baby has an impact on the world. They get jobs, they get married, the encourage others, and for a while that was the hardest part of losing Noah. That the world would never be inspired by him, or be changed by him. That’s the second reason I call it an early birth instead of a miscarriage. Because birth isn’t just something that brings a baby into the world. It changes the parents forever. I see it with every client, I see the whole world come into focus. It’s something that happens in an instant.
“It’s gonna be worth it, it’s gonna be worth it all.”Rita Springer
That’s what my son did for me. He changed everything about me in an instant. He is why I am a doula and a minister. His life shapes every decision I make in my work. And I do not know who I would be without that love, passion, and inspiration as my guardian angel every time I meet with a client, reassure a frightened mother, counsel the broken hearted, or even create a new infographic. My pain became a joy that is hard to describe.
“Now around every corner, and up every mountain”Rita Springer
A joy that goes beyond understanding. My prayer for you is that you don’t run away from your pain. But that you allow yourself the gift of grief and struggle. That you use that heartache to change you, change those around you, and even change the world. Let it be your strength and joy instead of your tomb. On the days when I can’t do it for me, I do it for Noah, my beloved son. When we lean into God and his purpose for our lives, all our pain will be worth it all.
“It’s gonna be worth it all, I believe this.”Rita Springer
Part 1: I Just Haven’t Met You Yet https://voicesofeve.net/i-just-havent-met-you-yet/
Part 2: The Storm Is Coming https://voicesofeve.net/the-storm-is-coming/
Part 3: You’ll Be Alright https://voicesofeve.net/youll-be-alright/
Part 4: I Tried So Very Hard Not To Lose It https://voicesofeve.net/part-4-i-tried-so-very-hard-not-to-lose-it/
Rita Springer’s Song: Worth it All https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQVmR0jV52A